My dear friends, I feel the need to express my deep disappointment over the fact that school has started.
Where did the summer go?
For the past 2 weeks or so I've been craving a blog. It's become somewhat of an addiction for me. Which I think is bad. However mostly the bad part is I don't know what to write about. My brain is all scattered. I cannot sort out my emotions at this present time. Seems like I'm conflicted all the time these days. You know, being conflicted might just be one of the things I hate the most, but it also is one of the most revealing things I know of.
It's when I feel the most messed up, most conflicted, most screwed up, that I see things the clearest. I realize who I am, and where I want to go. I notice things more. I suppose that's cause I pay attention more. The more I pay attention, the less I like.
When did I become controlling? When did I become conceited, obsessed with who I'm with? When did I assume I know what's best for me, and everyone around me? When did I start believing I'm better than some people? When did I decide that what I want, is ultimately more important than what I have to do to get it?
It's not that I haven't been working on me, trust me I am. I have been working so hard, believe me. I have been working my butt off trying to be more like Jesus. Being less sarcastic, being more objectionable, being there for people, being helpful, being honest. But the problem is, its seems like for every step I take forward, I take 2 steps backwards.
But I'm thankful for the people God has put in my life. I'm thankful my friends are understanding. I'm thankful that I can have conversations with them that are more  than meaningless words I say to pass the time.
I've actually been avoiding one of those such conversations as of late. Some things have happened and I have some explaining to do. Not because anyone did anything wrong, I didn't, and no one else did either. Merely because it's what sisters gotta do. We talk things out. I don't want anyone to second guess me. To second guess my motives, my intentions, my actions, or my words. I want to be trusted, because I'm a trustworthy person. I want to be honest, I want to be  a promise keeper, I want it all. I really, really do.
So then, why have I been avoiding this conversation? Maybe because I procrastinate a lot. Maybe because it is going to be a difficult conversation. Maybe because my emotions aren't so clear cut. Maybe because its hard to put things into words. Maybe because its a conversation that's going to take time, and energy. Maybe.
Its a lot of maybes. Its gonna be a long conversation. But it's necessary. This is a one-step forward kind of thing.
Waiting for the 2 steps back.
It just might be both. I don't know.
Who knows how long I'm going to avoid it? When I'm going to think I'm ready? Cause I don't feel ready. I don't feel ready for anything. Not anything but what I am.
As for right now, I have to pee.
Then Bible study with my mentors. I need to tell you guys about them too I suppose.
So I guess it turns out I did have something to write about. Tough topics. I guess that's why I hate being conflicted, and  being in the dark the most. Because it shows me who I really am, and I'm forced to come face to face with myself. Unabashed, and uncensored.

"It is my glory to search You out"

I have had one interesting week! Every night this week Tori texted me and we went to play volleyball. As a result of my inability to refuse myself any joy, I now have bruises on my arms. Arms bruised, ego wounded, I make for one despised child.
Caitlyn and Emily got phones this week, so it's awesome to be able to text them about my life. Good conversations happen when certain someones must spend 5 hours in a car on the way to a wonderful little land named Vermont. It's a good life I say, a good good life.
Yesterday, I got my new Cory Asbury CD, Let Me See Your Eyes in the mail, and I was happier than James Bond in a gun store. I also got my shirt from c28.com :)
I called Hannah, and we watched The Great Debaters (Denzel Washington=love) together, and then went to coldstone with the family. We went into the bathroom to go pee, and this girl was standing waiting for her friend to come out of the stall and her friend goes "woah, I stunk it up in here!! Can you smell it?!" and the girl goes "Yea... and so can the 2 girls that just walked in." Response: "oh crap!". Laughter. Much of it.
Today I went to Becca Skillo's birthday party and Schuman and I pulled pranks like a tub of pulled pork. Hahahaha! It was great. More stories later.
Love to you!